Even Father Christmas is feeling the affects of the poor economy. Here is the latest news:
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the reindeer early retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Reindeer downsizing has been made possible through acquisition of technology in the form of a late model Japanese sled for the annual trip.
Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer is anticipated now that they have completed Reindeer Technical Expert Interactive Video Training and will mentor the other reindeer with the help of my two Management Support Specialists. Reindeer will attend weekly staff meetings in order to learn to work smarter, not harder. The first two such meetings will include viewing of the video "Who Moved My Cheese?"
Reduction in reindeer will lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press. Not having to respond to unfavorable press will allow the Management Support Specialists to begin pulling lists and checking them twice.
As a further restructuring, productivity goals require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
The three French hens represent Eurocentric ethnicity. As they retire, we will target Asian song birds in order to gain bilingual bicultural diversity.
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. Management Support Specialists are conducting an analysis to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for privatizing with investment counselors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in Work Units Per Worker Year. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new tally strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
The eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-consulting, a-mentoring or a-adjudicating.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest outsourcing this work to private industry. Meanwhile incumbent Lords-a-leaping will be redesignated as Leaping Support Specialists, because Congress has sought a reduction in the Lords-a-Leaping ratio.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line. The eight maids-a-milking will demonstrate teamwork by playing cowbells during spike periods.
Expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-representing"), review is pending by a committee of Management Support Specialists.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Pilot. We may end the Pilot and acquire an additional seven Management Support Dwarfs.
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the reindeer early retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Reindeer downsizing has been made possible through acquisition of technology in the form of a late model Japanese sled for the annual trip.
Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer is anticipated now that they have completed Reindeer Technical Expert Interactive Video Training and will mentor the other reindeer with the help of my two Management Support Specialists. Reindeer will attend weekly staff meetings in order to learn to work smarter, not harder. The first two such meetings will include viewing of the video "Who Moved My Cheese?"
Reduction in reindeer will lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press. Not having to respond to unfavorable press will allow the Management Support Specialists to begin pulling lists and checking them twice.
As a further restructuring, productivity goals require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
The three French hens represent Eurocentric ethnicity. As they retire, we will target Asian song birds in order to gain bilingual bicultural diversity.
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. Management Support Specialists are conducting an analysis to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for privatizing with investment counselors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in Work Units Per Worker Year. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new tally strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
The eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-consulting, a-mentoring or a-adjudicating.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest outsourcing this work to private industry. Meanwhile incumbent Lords-a-leaping will be redesignated as Leaping Support Specialists, because Congress has sought a reduction in the Lords-a-Leaping ratio.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line. The eight maids-a-milking will demonstrate teamwork by playing cowbells during spike periods.
Expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-representing"), review is pending by a committee of Management Support Specialists.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Pilot. We may end the Pilot and acquire an additional seven Management Support Dwarfs.
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